I have begun to undertake a project of massive proportions; upon its completion it will be the largest single tome of information on the physiology of Otter Pops ever developed.
May god have mercy on my soul.
Notes on the Study Thus Far
As of yet, this study is incomplete; it may be stated that no study can truly encapsulate all that science is capable of revealing about the Otter Pop. Many areas of study I have only briefly touched upon, leaving them for later generations to explore fully. In the interest of science, I have allowed others (like you, the reader) to investigate my discoveries and, realizing that I am of a higher class than you, to accept them as fact.
The Four Temperaments
Otter Pops can be classified by four differing temperaments. These classifications, based mostly upon the outward (or "physical") appearance, can easily give insight into the inner (or "inside") attributes.
The Driven Temperament
Seen mostly in Alexander the Grape and Louie-Bloo Raspberry, this temperament, classified by hard, piercing eyes, reveals the Otter Pop's driving need for a certain material possession, brought on by a lack of inner happiness. In Louie-Bloo's case, these are women; he yearns for their affection and/or touch nearly every waking hour. Even when he has them, he still can not find peace and they soon leave him, as they are only a substitute for the love he never recieved as a child, and he is of course a giant blue otter. In Alexander, he must control the world, and will do anything to get to his goal, all competing activities be damned. In both, a high amount of blood is found.
The Temperamental Temperament
Often characterized by a lack of shirt, this temperament is most commonly seen in Strawberry Short Kook and Little Orphan Orange. The lack of shirt merely reflects their inner turmoil, just as lack of brains can reflect an inner stupidity.
The Genius Temperament
Shown in the wearing of glasses, or any type of sight-amplifying device (such as a microscope on a gold medallion), this temperament is shared by all Otter Pops of a super-genius-level intellect.
The "Other" Temperament
Characterized by not fitting into any of the other three temperaments, the "Other" classification is shared by both Poncho Punch and Little Orphan's dog.
Little Orphan's Dog: Otter Pop, or Beast?
The Gradual Loss of the Vestigial Whiskers
These whiskers, once used most likely as a sort of "whisker" on the Otter Pop's face, are now completely useless. Although in most of the Otter Pops these have gone the way of our Otter Pop ancestor's "third eye," and "fourth finger," surprisingly they still survive on the (less than evolved) Poncho.
I questioned the subject on them:
Me: What use do your whiskers serve you, Poncho?
Punch: Whoa man, what are you doing in my room? I was sleeping, man.
Me: It is 3 PM, and this is not your room.
Punch: Where am I?
Me: A containment chamber. Remain still.
Surprisingly enough, upon closer inspection I found that Punch's whiskers were actually pieces of pipe cleaner. What this means, we may never know.
Louie-Bloo's Bastard Half-Breeds: A New Race?
Know Your Body To Know Your Health: Is Your Body a Hot Dog Shape, or a Shorter Hot Dog Shape?
Feeding Habits
The Six Skin Colours
By examining the different Otter Pops using a microscope and my own finely honed sense of science, I have discovered that the fruit alluded to in an Otter's surname is invariably the colour of the Otter itself.
Table 5a: Name to Skin Colour Relationships
Myself Green Little Orphan Orange Orange Alexander the Grape Purple Strawberry Short Kook* Red Louie-Bloo Raspberry Blue Poncho Punch** Pink Little Orphan's Dog Dog
* It should be noted that Strawberry is the only one
to have her first name correspond to her skin color.
Possibly an unforseen byproduct of her medication.
** Referring, of course, to pink punch, and not the
red kind. Also note that punch is not a fruit.
As a control experiment, I have begun sewing kiwi skins to Little Orphan Orange as she sleeps. However, her name thus far has remained Orange, and not switched over to Little Orphan Kiwi. Perhaps Poncho Pomegranite could be attempted, preserving the alliteration in his name and clothing preference.