New Congressman Wows Senate Floor
Recently Elected Otter Pop Makes Impassioned Plea: 'Woah There, Poncho's No Politician!'

By Milo R. Lorrenz
Staff Writer

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_____Otter Pops_____ Otter Pop Headquarters

The entire Senate floor rose in applause Tuesday, only three days after resuming operations. The reason? An outsider, a curve ball, an unexpected variable. A new senator, who is, miraculously, quickly gaining full support from both the GOP and the Democrats. It was this senator whom the entire floor was applauding, in only his second speech to his ninety-nine colleagues. As the applause died down, something else had emerged: a new type of politics. Poncho Punch Politics, as it's being called.


Poncho Punch arrived here in Washington much like many of his predecessors did, by travelling from one place to another. But when he arrived, he had brought with him something more than just a knapsack full of cheez-its and an untuned guitar. He had brought with him an entire country's zest for politics, long hibernating and waiting to rise again, like Phoenix from the flame.

"He's amazing, absolutely amazing," Mike DeWine (R - Ohio) commented to this reporter several days ago. "I just don't know how he does it. He came out of nowhere, and now, hell! Everyone knows him." Yes, everyone knows him. But did he really come from nowhere?

His was a race that was not looked at particularly closely by the nation's news teams. Even the local news barely covered it. All expected the incumbent, Albert Harris (D) to win, all the way up until the last minute when he withdrew, citing personal troubles, thereby leaving his opponent a then-unknown player on the scene registered as "P. Punche" (probably a type-setters' error), to take, literally, all the votes.

But who is he, really? The fact is, no one really knows. Little information can be found, no paperwork, no social security number, nothing. Only...Punch himself. And Poncho Punch has been notoriously hard to interview in the few days he has been in office. Understandable, yes, but also intriguing.

After the senators, including Poncho, returned to their seats, Trent Lott (R - Miss) took the podium, quipping "Boy, I'd hate to be Mr. Punch's Judy!" The comment received a far amount of chuckles, having hit a vein with the senators: Who would want to face against such a popular newcomer? The still chuckling Lott continued, "if only I were more like Poncho, maybe I wouldn't have to secretly gerrymander my state's districts!" Yes, indeed. If only.

When actually talking to Punch, you do not get same impression Lott gets. Instead, you get a lethargic, oddly likeable, talking Otter Pop. This reporter was only to speak to him for a matter of minutes before he was rushed off, and in those scant minutes Mr. Punch said little. "Woah man, Poncho's no politician!" he responded to most of my questions, except for immediately before he was whisked away by aides, when he requested more junk food cheese treats.

"Poncho's no politician." It is that kind of statement that makes Poncho Punch so new, so original. It is what has given him the reputation as "a Washington Outsider" and as a senator who "tastes like punch." His speeches continue the same idea, the iconoclast image: "Hey, I'm not supposed to be here, man. I just got asked by some little bald pinkish guy to take his place on the train. See man, my name's Punch, like, so's his. How's that possible? I dunno. I think his ends in an 'e,' man. Weird world, huh? I don't want to be here anymore. Poncho wants to leave." (From his first speech to Congress.)

Long-time incumbent Richard G. Lugar (R - Ind.) has reportedly told his aides to look into buying him one or several ponchos. Edward M. Kennedy (D - Mass) is rumoured to have eaten cheez-its, Punch's favorite food, for the last two days straight. Thousands upon thousands of telegrams, letters, and e-mails have arrived each morning for the last couple of days, all to Senator Poncho Punch. "Poncho is here to stay," they're whispering in the backrooms of Washington's corridors of power.

As this pink Mr. Smith stands on the Senate floor, with the full backing of his originally uncaring, now feverishly emotional electorate, it is hard to think that the beltway will ever be the same. Poncho Punch Politics could very possibly be here to stay. Woah man, indeed.