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Alexander the Grape Conquers Mall of America By Milo R. Lorrenz Staff Writer
At two o'clock yesterday afternoon, the normal hustle and bustle of the world's largest mall suddenly stopped short. In its place was the sound of thunder; the sound of a thousand men clad in bronze marching through double doors. For a brief second, everyone stopped and looked toward the invading army. Then, all returned to their shopping. Those who had dropped their purchases in surprise picked them back up, or found that their recently-purchased goods were already stolen. "I, Alexander the Grape, have been sent to take this land. You may retire peacebly or I will attack." the Grape yelled over the uncaring crowd. The Grape then waited patiently for a response before preparing to give the order to attack. "Seeing as no representative from this mall has come forward to propose terms of surrender, I will attack." "I dunno," said mallgoer Christie Davis, "I was just sittin' there in front of the Orange Julius, and then this thing rides up on a chariot screamin' and all, and I don't know what's going on or nothing, so I just walked away." The Orange Julius Davis was sitting in front of took the brunt of Alexander the Grape's first assault, for reasons still unclear. The Grape's men, marching in a formation of straight rows, moved forward one step at a time until they were able to slash at the Orange Julius' beverage machines. "There was orange stuff everywhere, and like the purple thing in the toga, I guess the leader or whatever, was just laughing and laughing. I got some gunk in my hair and went to go wash it out, and by the time I got back they was all gone," according to Davis. After attacking Orange Julius, the Grape went on to wander the mall, followed by his legion. "Come, follow me, my Legion of Otter Pop Warriors!" the Grape reportedly commented. Alexander the Grape cut a straight line from Orange Julius to Eddie Bauer, five stores down, before being stopped by a mall security officer. According to mall security officer Dan Spokelsberg, "I was just busy watching the escalator go down, and wondering how the damn thing works, when all of a sudden this purple thing in a chariot comes charging my way. Now, I figgered that a chariot was not much more than a skateboard, and that the horses were basically pets, so he was violating the mall code double, right? Then this whole mob of soldiers rounds the corner behind him, so I decided to back off." Although Spokelsberg was unable to stop the Grape, he was able to escape unscathed. From the Eddie Bauer store and the meeting with the security officer Alexander the Grape traveled on through the mall, attacking every bench and kiosk within sight. After nearly two hours of complete chaos, Mall of America officials confronted the Grape with their terms of surrender. "I did what I had to do," said Mall of America Spokesperson Harry Omaha. "My number one duty was to the people. They came to the Mall of America to see the world's largest mall, indoor rollercoaster, and of course to shop. Not to see bloodshed. Wait....no. Not to see bloodshed. So we had to surrender." Omaha then drew his Mall of America sword, handed it to a Sam Goody cashier, and impaled himself on it. Spokesperson Harry Omaha was unavailable for further comment. By the end of the day, the Mall of America had officially receded from the rest of the United States, declaring itself a soveriegn state. It has retained its original name and is open for normal business hours. |