So.

So you want to pick up women.
I can help.
I can help you out.

Just trust me.
Or, you may want to pick up men. Well, it all still works. Louie-Bloo...he knows about everyone. I have broken it down into some...how you say? Yes, rules.
Yes, rules. You follow these rules and you will be loved, loved by all the women. Except for the dead ones. They will not love you, and let us leave at that, shall we not? Ahh...oui.

1. My first tip for getting women is also my last tip. I do this so that the tips...how you say? Ahh, take up space. Yes, take up space. Yes, yes. That is my first tip. To take up space. For this purpose, I suggest the phrase "How you say?" When used correctly, this phrase can, how you say? Take up space. You see how cleverly I use the phrase? You see? You also see how I repeat the words "space," "You see," and "tip" over and over again? Repeat yourself, to make you seem more like a celebrity. For the same reason, use a French accent. "A French accent?" you ask?
Oui.

2. If you should fail at French accent, perhaps it is not...how you say? Foreign enough. Try use accent from somewhere else. Like basement. There is nothing a woman finds more irresistable than the accent. Accent of a person who comes from the basement.

3. Ah....ah. Here is a little story you can tell that no one can resist. I use it only when I am desperate. So, I use it only once, you know? I use it once. Here it is:

"One time, when I was small child, I was sailing along in a boat I had made all by myself. The boat, it was rickety, and no one said it would work, but I built it because I believed that I could sail into the sun if I did it right. Ahh, yes. Then I sail around for a while on the sea. I forget what happen after that."

Now, you explain that the story is a...uh...oh, how you say? Oh, complex allegory. Complex allegory for your love. Describe, eh? Describe? Describe in detail smell of sea, glint of the sun, and the rickets of the boat. You look far off. You wipe away a tear if necessary.
If fails, you beg for sex. Beg. Make it funky.

4. Sometimes, you have to get noticed, you know? When the women, when they notice you, they are more likely to fall in love then if they do not notice you at all. Yes. You definately must get noticed. Yes.

5. You know, you can be yourself. Or, if you are, you know, a, uh, loser, no. If you are a loser, you can just be someone else. But not be me. That is taken. There is someone already being me. I...forget who it is. Maybe I should call him?
Anyway, you, you be yourself. Masks help you get into character.

6. Sometimes you have to just give up. For instance, one time I was trying to talk to women. Talk to a women. And I get nowhere, nowhere. I talk to women all day long, she do nothing. Nothing! She stand there, not paying attention to me. So, I close the magazine she live in, and I leave apartment. You know? You have to just give up, sometime. I don't know why that lady live in magazine. She was very tiny, the woman. A little eccentric. Understandable for women in Sear's Catalogue, but nonetheless, she was eccentric, that lady.

7. Ha. As if there would be a seventh tip for meeting women. Is a joke, you know? Seventh tip. Please. Ah ha.
Ha.

8. You know how, when you meet a women, you sometime steal her house and sell possessions of hers? You know? Steal house and sell things? Yes? Well, do not do that. Is bad, you know?

Wait.
No, no do not do that.

9. Ninth tip. There is no ninth tip, you fool fool non-ninth tip women getter person! No, no, I kid, there is ninth tip, because there no seventh tip. That joke, that there no seventh tip, then Louie-Bloo, he say "there no ninth tip." There ninth tip, you know? Ninth tip! No seventh tip though. None of that. That was a funny joke I say. Funny.

10. Speaking of funny, the women like to laugh. Louie-Bloo, he carry nitrous oxide. Make women laugh. Ahh...the laugh. Ahhh.

11. You perserverance. Perserverance. You know, as the French say, perserver-ah-nce? You need, because woman will sometimes not want you right away. Especially if she is fictional, you know, not real? Or if you are fictional. The fiction, it make love hard, hard for the lovers the fiction. But you stay at it, and the love be not so hard. Or, be hard at first, and easier later. Sometime restraining order. Make love harder than was at first. But love is hard. I have restraining order on me by many woman. I love all. "Is hard?" you say? No, no for me. No for me. Easy to love even with restraining order. Love is important. So is women. You know, you get love, you get women, you put together, is like a milkshake, but no milk. Just woman. And no ice cream. Just love. Wait, maybe women is ice cream. Love is milk. Anyway, you perservere, your love will be safe as milk. It good. Milk. Especially with ice cream. I like both.

12. The women love painters. They love the painters and the artists. I like to spread paint on things, like I a painter, you know? Yes. I spread paint all over women's clothes. Sometimes they not like. Sometimes...well, they never like. Paint is no good. Be poet instead.

13. Ahhh..........ahhh...oui.

14. Stop with funny ties, you know, stop with the funny ties. The women is no impressed by the funny ties, with the Garfield and with the Ziggy and with the funny people and the toasters that fly and the funny pigs that fly through air and the other funny tie design on the funny tie. No, is not impressed, the women. What impress the women is the tie with the sex on them. You know. You know the ties with the sex on them. Is obscene? Is obscene? No. Is love. Is women-magnet. Oui.

15. Sometimes you must prove that you have women. Carry pictures of other women you love with you. They, uh....see you love other women, they want. Yes? Yes! Yes, Louie-Bloo say. Yes! They want yes yes yes! Louie-Bloo, he knows. Yes, he say. Oui. Oui, yes. I...forget. Yes.

16. Women love men that are prepared. Carry extra copies of your internal organs with you. If you don't have the money, you know, if you have no, as the French say, dinero, then leave organs as tip. If you run out of the extra organs, take organ from women. She like that you are personal. And that you are a big tipper. Big tipper means big like from women. Organs.

17. Why I can no do French accent? Eh? Eh? Ah....Yes.

18. The women, they like oxygen. They love. O. O is Oxygen, you know? O2. Is 2? Is 2. Oxygen, it binds with 6 valence electrons, no? Fills outer shell with another O? Oui. Like love. Do not take away the love from the women. Or the oxygen. You keep the woman's valence shell filled with electrons, ah...maybe chocolate, and she be happy.

19. What you mean discoteque no open? Eh? No open for Louie? Louie-Bloo? Ahhh...crap.