Ask Sir Isaac Lime

Dear Sir Issac Lime,
My neighbors allow their toddlers to play unsupervised all afternoon in their front yard. We live in a high-traffic neighborhood and several times I've seen drivers brake suddenly to avoid hitting the children. However, the parents continue to allow their children to play in the street. Speaking as someone who values the lives of all our children, what should I do to keep these children from coming to harm? I don't want to seem nosy, but should I say something to them about the danger they are putting their children in?
Concerned About My Neighbor's Children

Dear Mrs. Children
       Your problem is an interesting one, and illustrates nicely the principles behind the vector quantity known as momentum. The law of conservation of kinetic energy is a hoary old chestnut familiar to us all. You see, for each child accelerated by an impact with a car, that car is slowed down by an equivalent number of joules. However, because cars are larger than the average child (except your heavier children) one child would take the brunt of the transfer of energy.
       One suggestion would be to place more children on to your neighborhood streets to significantly lower the velocity (or speed) of the cars travelling across said streets. Perhaps you could suggest this at a local PTA meeting, or place large quantities of candy in the street. This second solution would also result in larger, more kinetically efficent children.
      Eat me!

Dear Sir Issac Lime,
I have trouble meeting women. I spend all day long in what I like to call "Prime Babe-Findin' Spots" like the subway, Arby's, and the middle of the street, but I just can't find one who will talk to me for more than five seconds before leaving. I've tried everything to get their attention, but women only stare at me long enough to laugh at the flashing lights I sewed in my vest, and then they leave. Also, I am NOT a loser. What is my problem?

Winner

Dear Weiner,
This question ties in perfectly with the previous one. Your problem may be that females sense that you are not what reproductive experts call "a suitable source of genetic material." Although you may not be a loser, you may still be an impish sac of faulty chromosomes and bile. Try using this to your advantage.
Stay in school, kids!

Dear Sir Issac Lime,
How do otter pops get frozen when I put them in the freezer?

Tommy

First of all, Tommy, let me state that this kind of question has no more meaning than the average rotating lemon merangue pie. Speaking of rotating lemon merangue pie, I have seen my share of stupid questions, and yours sure is a tangy one!

Dear Sir Isaac Lime,
Yesterday I spilled coffee on my polyester shirt on the way to work. How do I get the stain out? I tried baking soda and tonic water, but nothing happened. Why do these things always happen to me? Sometimes I think God must hate me. If it matters, the spill occured in a white BMW.

Cursed in San Dimas

Dear Cursed,
Did you know that TOBOR will soon come to rule us all? It is a fact, prophesied in the Book of Joshua and the Book of Tobor. You merely have to translate them into Hebrew, and then, bam! Yiddish everywhere. Everywhere. Nothing can stop it, much like nothing can stop TOBOR as he returns to the planet, carrying with him the large fruitcake of justice, covered in the whipping of death. JUST death. Justice and death, they go together like a fruitcake, whipping, and a giant artificial man of steel. And if you play the Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" backwards, you can clearely make out the story of the giant robotic TOBOR (most likely TOBOR) returning to Earth to kill. Do not hesitate. Buy stock in Marlboro now, because soon we will all be smoking ashes of nothing. And TOBOR is a Marlboro man.

Dear Sir Isaac Lime,
What do you think about Proposition 245103, the bill to bar Otter Pops from enlisting in the French military?

Jean-Paul Gerard Frenchy

Dear JPGF,
Yes, I have heard of Proposition 83740282, the work of short-sighted fools and far-seeing racists. This kind of cruelty towards my kind has been long accepted by those who have a vested interest in "maintaining the status quo." But, because of these so called "Otter Pop Banning Laws (banning from stuff the Otter Pops, baby)," such as the Proposition 23384782 that you mentioned, I despair at the prospects for long term change. Protests, demonstrations, and yo-yo's have all been ineffective. What does the future hold for these anti-Pop racists? Hopefully nothing, if my proposed plan of eugenics takes hold and my army of Aryan supermen are able to squash these short-winded asthmatic prejudice-ers. Remember, vote no on Proposition 999293838, and on all other referandums.

Dear Sir Isaac Lime,
My children consistently disobey me when I ask them to do simple things like wash their plates and brush their teeth. My husband just jokingly calls them his "lil gang of ruffians," but I think there's a serious problem here. For instance, sometimes I ask my children if they want to go see Great Aunt Darcy, who is 103 years old, and all they do is groan! And don't even get me started about waking them up for school! I can't be a bad mother, but my children just don't seem right. Whatever can I do? I feel like I'm trapped by my "lil gang of ruffians"!

Trapped By Lil' Gang of Ruffians

Dear Faulty Mother,
       Your problem is nothing to worry about, as it is a common problem to all mothers, especially lice-ridden gypsy mothers. You don't want to blame yourself, but don't be too quick to judge. It could have easily been your faulty genes that were passed on to your "lil gang of ruffians" to make them so uncontrollable. However, it is too early for me to diagnose the problem. I will need skull casts of your entire family, as well as blood and stool samples. Use anagrams to make it seem more fun. Now remember, when collecting these samples you cannot allow your family to find out what they are for, as this will disrupt the experiment according to the "placebo effect."
       In the meantime, confuse your children so they do not find out what you are up to. Try flashing lights in their eyes while yelling at them to be good children. If this does not work, buy a chimp in a cage. When the children act up, dress the chimp in their clothes and place it in the child's room. Lock the child in the chimp's cage, and he'll soon understand. If neither of these work, there is the age-old method of adding mercury to their flavored chocolate drinks. Then, assuming all my tests go well, you can just sit back and watch your children be little angels.
       I love ranch dressing!